Sana dumating yung araw na hindi na ako takot mawala. Para hindi ko na lang sasabihin sa iba na ayaw ko na, na pagod na ako, na gusto ko na mawala.. para gagawin ko na lang tapos, tapos na.

Hindi ko na kailangan magpaliwanag pa.

Pagod na ako magpaliwanag, Lord.

Lord, tulungan mo akong patawarin pa ulit yung sarili ko. At kung hindi man, bigyan mo na lang ako ng lakas ng loob labanan ang takot ko na mawala. Kasi Lord, pagod na po ako. Pagod na akong lumangoy sa madilim na lugar na ito na pilit ako nilulunod sa lungkot, takot, at galit. Gusto ko na po magpaanod.

By kurizamei

3 notes

Ever since ECQ happened, my boyfriend and I no longer see each other. I only had the time to be with him once when I needed to attend a training and there’s no stable connection at home. I stayed in their house for 3 days and that was in June. After that, we have not seen each other again. So to make up for our babe time, what we did is to have a virtual date. He’d buy me jollibee and then he’d buy for him too and then we’ll eat together.

Whenever he orders food, he would ask me what I like. But then whenever I’d see his order, it’s more than what I wanted. He’d also buy for my family. It wasn’t like that in the beginning. The first time we tried this virtual date thing, he only bought me food, excluding my family. Which, for me, was totally fine. I am his girlfriend and if he wants to spoil me, he can do so. He doesn’t need to include my family. But my parents jokingly reacted why they weren’t included which I got so annoyed. They said that, although it was joke for them, it was really half meant because according to them, it’s not pleasing to look at. That he’d only buy me food, knowing that I am accompanied by my family at home. I remember there was one time that my mom and I argued about it. I was really pissed about the thought of it. I’m arguing that my family is not his responsibility. That they should be thankful if he gives them something (which he’d been doing ever since) and not take that against him if he was unable to do so. My boyfriend is also saving money and so I don’t want to burden him with having to spend for my family too. But I don’t want him to stop from sending me food just because of this issue. This is our only date. Besides, I am happy whenever he does it and he’s happy too because he knows that he was able to make me happy.

But, my bad, I still that joked that to him. Just so that I can be transparent but I made sure not to put any pressure to him. But you know, the following virtual dates, it was no longer just for me, but for my family too. And I appreciate him a lot for it although sometimes I feel guilty about the situation. He’s spending a lot and making an effort for my family so he’d be closer to them, but my family is just so unappreciative as fuck. And that is making me very very frustrated. I hate it a lot whenever I’d get the food and my family would sometimes tell the other member not to get some because it’s not for them. So I’d have to explicitly tell them first that my boyfriend bought something for them too before they’d eat it. The saddest thing is, I won’t even hear a thank you from them.

And today, it happened again. The most unfortunate thing is, my boyfriend and I ended up fighting because I was unable to do what he asked me to. He told me to give the food to my father and tell him what food is for them. I didn’t do it because I was so annoyed by their reactions when I was waiting for the food to arrive. I just gave them the food and tell them it’s for them. My boyfriend didn’t like my rudeness to my family and I reasoned out to him why I didn’t do it. Ending, we fought. I was just so frustrated and was torn whether we’d stop this virtual date thing or not. Truth is, I just don’t wanna give up this thing because this is the only thing I am looking forward every month so that I can feel him closer. I told him my frustrations and he told me that I should just let them be. But he’s still not going to stop buying them food because he wants to be closer to my family. He even reminded me of something:

you don’t stop being good because they are being bad

Not that my family is really bad to him. It’s just a quote he wants to live by. But I think it’s because we’re not in good terms (my fam and I) and because of this fucking primitive culture my family grew up with. Anyway, we eventually settled the issue. I was worried it’s going to take some time for us to calm down. But thankfully, we worked on it right away. I was about to cry already! I cry when I get frustrated. But I am happy now that he understands me, and I also understand where he’s coming from. Sometimes, I feel like he’s too good for the kind of family I have. But he loves them, because he loves me. And he loves the people I love. Even though these people are hurting me. :(

By kurizamei

2 notes

#ichan  #love  #family  

Recently, my niece and I had a row. And again, this is over petty reason but she disrepected me. She’s been doing that for quite awhile already and I cannot tolerate it anymore. If she can’t respect me, then, I’d rather not talk to her.

I love my family so much. The people who really know me know it too. That I am always going to be there for them and help them out. But recently, my family keep disrepecting me. And I don’t want this to happen so I have decided to stay away from them in the mean time. I needed my peace. Again, I want to heal. So the people who’s hurting me, whether because of disrepect or betrayal, shouldn’t be a part of my life yet. Until I forgive them. Until I am okay with them. Unfortunately, it takes time for me to heal and forgive. So that’s one of the things that I want to work on. I am sure that eventually, I’d find the courage to make up with them, with all the people I have been avoiding in my life. But maybe not yet today or the next day, or even the day after that.

By kurizamei

1 note

#personal  #family  

“Good morning asawa ko! mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal kita! ikaw lang sapat na sapat na. i miss you and i love you very very very much! dito lang ako palagi for you.. I’m working on myself para maging better and para maging okay na okay tayo sa future. di ako magsasawa sa toyo mo paminsan minsan.. dito lang ako lagi pag sad ka.. pag may problema ka.. wag mo papabayaan sarili mo. alam ko minsan ngdadalawang isip ka magsabi ng problema.. maiintindihan ko nman mahal pero alam mo un dapat matuto tayo iexpress ng maayos. hehe. alam ko namang awkward person ka. pero alam kong you’re doing your best para magimprove din, no pressure mahal. i love you!”

This is the message I got from him this morning. We had an argument a few days ago. It was a petty fight that worsened so I needed the time to reflect, think, and heal. But I will no longer talk about the fight itself because I promised myself to only focus on the good since I pretty much had been magnifying all the negatives in our relationship.

Truth is, this is so cheesy of him. But I want to keep this because it rarely happens. His love language is not Word of Affirmation and so to receive this long message from him is really surprising. But more than anything, I was really touched on the part when he said that he is working on himself to be better and for our relationship to continuously work in the future. This is the reason why I am still holding onto him and our relationship, and I will continue to do so. He is not perfect. He has a lot of flaws. But he’s working on himself for us, and that alone is a good reason for me to stay with him. Besides, I ain’t perfect too. Between the two of us, he makes the most sacrifices because there are so many issues that I need to heal from.

You know, before, I used to admire that pure and innocent love I had with my ex-boyfriend. I thought it was great love and I was dying to meet someone whom I am going to love more. When I met Ichan, I knew it’s going to be him. He was my ideal man. He was the man I had been praying for my whole life. The 5 specific things I want for a man that I was asking God to give me was in him. So I knew, right there and then, that I finally found the one. It was all surreal in the beggining but, you know, shit happens. We got to know each other and realize we aren’t perfect. But you see, there’s really no such thing as perfect in relationship. The things that I have learned while I was single ain’t all true. The only truth I know about relationship is that BOTH OF YOU ARE NOT PERFECT.

These imperfections will make you fight, make you think that you are not really meant to be together. Sometimes, it will also make you decide to just end it. But the reality is, people don’t get to have forever relationship because they found their perfect partner. It is only because they work on it together and fight for the love they have for each other. It happens too between Ichan and I. We’ve always been close to breaking up. But it never happens. We would only need the time to calm down and rest, and then we talk and work things out together. And that, I think, is the real great love. It is not about pure and innocence. But it is staying with the person, making sacrifices and compromises to make the relationship work. That is the real love. You allow the person to influence you to become a better version of yourself, and not for them but for yourself.

Ichan has inspired to me to heal from the things that has been hurting me. He inspired me to have the courage to finally fight the demons living in me. It is because of our future together, the family that we want to build in the future, that I wanted to finally take the healing seriously. I am just so grateful for him because he is managing to stay with me despite so many anxiety and depressive episodes, even my inability to manage my anger. And I want to do that to him as well. I want to stay with him while he’s also working on himself, until he’s also healed.

By kurizamei

#ichan  #love  

Today is not a good day. I am having my depressive and anxiety episodes.

I woke up late because I felt like I needed a good rest. I read my boyfriend’s good morning message for me. I feel giddy about him going on a trip to check out the house we’re planning to invest in but I waited for him to message me about them leaving and stuff. I spent some time waiting by watching series and youtube vlogs.

Then, I got a message from my highschool friend about the job I am planning to apply as a part-timer so I’d get an extra income. This is in order for me to still provide for my family amidst our upcoming investment. So, I did what needs to be done and sent what needs to be sent. Then I was scheduled for an interview. Before the said interview, I am feeling so nervous. I am nervous about how will I be able to manage everything — 2 jobs, my thesis, and specializing in trauma. But u know, I have to do something if I really wanna achieve my dreams. It’s just that I am super anxious about it and I keep on overthinking. On top of it all, my boyfriend still hasn’t messaged me.

I decided to message his mom about his whereabouts. Before I got a reply, he finally called me. He just came home from the trip and he was unable to message me because he was rushed and he didn’t have the data to send me a message. I told him how uncomfortable that made me feel and how it made me overthink. I trust him a lot and I know that he will never do anything that’ll hurt me. It’s just that this situation came up. He was sorry, of course. I didn’t really make it a big deal. it’s okay. I’m the one who’s at fault for overthinking.

You’ll really know how fucked up life has been to you in the past when you find innocent actions as malicious cues to a behavior that can cause you pain. I know he’d never leave me but i was still afraid that he would suddenly be gone, like ghost me. It’s just that I am not used to him not updating me. But eventually, we’ve managed to settle it.

Then, time for interview. I think I did well. It’s just that, my schedule and availability may be a hindrance to getting the job. It’s okay, though. I’d leave up everything to Him. I called him afterwards and I felt better. However, I needed to complete the evaluation by answering a case study so we had to stop talking. Besides, there are other things that he also needs to do.

I finished the case study and waited for him to finish his chores. I badly miss him and I am being paranoid about senseless things. I just need to talk to him to get the assurance I need. He’s late so I had to call him first. Thankfully, he was already about to call me when I did. So, perfect timing.

But then upon talking to him, I feel the exhaustion. I haven’t been feeling well the past days and my emotions are unstable. So, I finally cried to him to which he let me and stayed with me while I bursted into tears. He was just there, trying to make laugh so I’d feel better. He initially asked why I was crying but I couldn’t exactly tell him why, which he respected. I appreciate him so much for being there. Because lately, I’ve been feeling so alone. God, i don’t know what to do without him and I miss him so bad. I don’t know when this will end but I pray for everything to atleast improve.

But you know, these are what I’m frightened of:

• That I may be pushing myself so much to an extent that my mental health will be compromised.
• That juggling all of these responsibilities would require for me to work overtime and lose the time I have for myself and for us.
• The what ifs of not being able to earn enough to pay for the house and provide for my parents and/or family at the same time.
• That maybe I am rushing things, esp in this time of pandemic when my family needs me the most.

But despite these things I am afraid of, I am not gonna give up the house. It’s been long overdue. I am already 25 and I haven’t really gotten anything for myself. I feel stucked about always having to provide for my family not realizing that I haven’t even prepared for my future. I practically have nothing and this is exactly what I don’t want my child to experience in the future.

Besides, I need to do something for myself. i want to heal. And if I really want to, I need to start doing something for me. I just can’t keep on saying I want to heal but I am not even doing anything. So, I have to overcome this anxiety and depressive episodes. Not right away, but step by step. It just got the best of me today. But I know and I trust Him that I’d be able to be pull this off, in His grace.

By kurizamei

2 notes

#ichan  #love  

My boyfriend went on a tripping to check on the house that we are planning to invest in. He said it is nice and polished. The sad thing though is, there’s no longer unit available seated on a corner lot. Hence, we can no longer get a house from there. I felt really sad because I have already conditioned myself that that’s what we’re gonna be getting. U see, that’s my problem. I usually get too fixated over plans and I find it hard to move on if they can’t be pushed through.

So we decided to get the other one. The one that’s located in Carmona. It’s not really where the fault line is, but it’s Carmona so the risk is there. But given the situation, we opted to look after their soon to rise townhouse model.

Maybe Sabella isn’t really for us because it’s going to be too far from Him? I don’t just. That just popped up right now. But who knows? I hope and pray that we would be able to finally get this one. There’s only a very limited slot so I really pray for things to finally workout for us.

Hay. Adulting is so damn stressful.

By kurizamei

1 note

#ichan  #love  

So my boyfriend and i finally decided to get a house. I am so excited about it and i can’t wait for us to start building our future together.

Initially, there was a doubt on my part if we would be able to succeed on this. Mainly because i have these thoughts na what if we didn’t end up together. So, i opened it up to him and became very honest about the things that’s going inside my mind. He was very understanding of where i was coming from and I’m very thankful for him because of that. We didn’t fight over it. But still, i asked him if he felt it too because i feel like he should feel it. That what i was feeling at the time was normal and valid and so i thought he should have felt the same way. But then he told me he never did and its because he really is sure of me, and he knows that we can pull this through together. I felt guilty initially, but i am more overwhelmed (in a good way) because damn it feels so good to have someone who’s sure of you and is working on building your future together. So we get passed this stage successfully and now I am willing to take risks with him.

Stress still continues thought, particularly with the sourcing part. We’ve been looking for a house we would be investing on and I haven’t really had a good sleep because of that. I’ve been trying to look for possible housing projects. We had two options at first but the first option was already sold out and the second one is too pricey. We can afford but it would take so much of our supposed savings. So we had another 2 options the next day, and we have finally decided to get a townhouse instead of a single attached for the reason that we don’t want to compromise our comfortable living because we have to almost put all our earnings for the house that we want. Besides, we are not planning on having a big family. I only want 1 child. So we don’t need that huge house. So the 2 options that we had are both townhouses. The first option was my preference because it has a design similar to what i’d build for my dream house. The other one is not really aesthetically pleasing for me (which is my major concern), but definitely have everything i want in my dream neighborhood. The sad part is, the first option is located near the fault line. It really did break my heart but I have to be more rational than impulsive. So, tonight, i finally decided to (hopefully) get the other option. And writing about it now, i feel happy. I just watched the master plan of the village and it is very promising. So, i’m all good about it.

But really, u know, i appreciate my boyfriend a lot. This is the first time that we’re making such huge decision and I was initially afraid that he’d rather decide for us, but he didn’t. It’s annoying how he makes sense all the fucking time but still i’m grateful for it. He really is so rational and i learn a lot from him, especially in the practical aspect of life. He never pushed something he knows i’m in doubt. Instead, he allows for me to realize things on my own. He really improved on this part a lot. ☺️

Whatever life will unfold us, or in this journey that we’re about to take, I’m very hopeful that everything will work out. it’s not gonna be smooth sailing that’s for sure, but will make it work in God’s grace.

By kurizamei

#ichan  #love  

Just an hour ago, I watched Junnieboy’s proposal to Vien and I couldn’t help but get so emotional for how genuine it was. Now, I couldn’t put myself to sleep because of too many emotions I am feeling at the moment. As if I was the one who experienced it. Lol!

But really, I couldn’t wait for the time when Ichan proposes to me. I know he will. Just not anytime soon because it’s definitely too early pa. I just can’t stop myself from thinking how it would feel like if it happens. Saying “i’d be the happiest girl in the world” may be too cliché but i feel like that’s really how it would feel.

Just the thought of no longer imagining him sleeping beside me every single night because he would finally be there, gives me peace. I will no longer feel alone. The thought of feeling his warmth every night calms me. I’m so excited for that. It’s my most awaited happening.

I love him so much. so so so much. I hope he knows how much I feel for him. I hope he feels it, beyond the every I love yous I tell him everyday. I can’t imagine a life without him.

We just need to wait and prepare for it. Then, maybe. Maybe someday. I’d be the happiest girl in the world.

By kurizamei

#ichan  #love  

My boyfriend slept over at home last Friday. He usually stays here overnight so that we could spend more time together. We don’t see each other weekly so when we do, we try to extend the time of being together. But before we had our separate ways the next day, we kinda had a little misunderstanding. And it was because of me, my insecurities and instability. But that isn’t the focal point of this blog.

Last night, I sent him a message about letting him go and all that. I just felt like he’d be better off without me. We both have issues but mine was way worse. And I was afraid that I am becoming that toxic girlfriend I don’t ever want to be. We fell asleep in between those exchange of messages but then i woke up to this.

I just really appreciate how he’s holding me and our relationship up when I am at my worst. This is actually the reason as to why despite so many struggles we had to go through in the past, we manage to stay together. We were only always at that almost breaking up point, but never really breaking up. We just couldn’t throw away something we built so beautiful together — our relationship.

I will forever be thankful to God for giving him to me. My life has never been the same ever since he came. It was a whole lot different kind of life. But better. Although I would still have my dark days, my life is still better with him in it.

By kurizamei

1 note

#ichan  #love